My God Story: Part 5 - In Nineveh (Firstborn son - Pregnancy)
Continuing on Part 5 of my God Story, about my children.
(Warning! Super long and detailed post ahead! You may wish to prepare yourself first if you are faint hearted. 😄)
When I was younger, even before having a potential husband candidate, I had always felt that being a mother is my highest calling and I had always wanted to be a full time mother. I had also have always wanted a son and a daughter, a Daniel and an Esther.
(I realize that is a lot of 'had always'. 😂 Haha! I guess it just goes to show how I love children.)
 |
| Source: Internet |
Trying to Conceive
After both my husband and I felt that we were ready to start our family, I didn't conceive promptly. It was a long one year wait for us before I finally got pregnant. It was such a difficult and sad season for me. Every month I would find myself crying, praying, worrying, asking why? and fearing the worst. After all, I wasn't getting any younger. I was, as one would say, already well past the 'ideal' child bearing age.
I know many couples waited even longer. And one year may be nothing in comparison to that. But the fear of infertility, the worry of an 'advanced maternal age' pregnancy or 'having to go through fertility treatment', were real all the same.
Add to that, the fact that all my colleagues (or their wife) had a childbirth story to tell, they had either just delivered a baby, in their first trimester, second trimester, or third trimester, or just found out that she/ his wife is pregnant.
I'm not joking. In that year alone, every single married colleague around me was 'fruitful', except for 2 colleagues who were struggling with infertility. Every month, I would be listening to happy news from my colleagues while asking God when would it be my turn.
Until finally, I heard this from God - 'first comes the promotion, then comes the baby'. God was telling me that I would conceive after my husband's promotion.
Sure enough, after my husband told me that his technical assessment and promotion was a success, I found myself heading to the clinic to get a pregnancy test.
And, it was just as God revealed to me - first comes the promotion, then comes the baby.
I was finally pregnant! Although at the time, we had no idea what an eventful pregnancy journey we were about to embark on.
'I Couldn't Find the Fetus nor the Heartbeat'
We were elated with the pregnancy but the joy quickly turned to fear and worry, as I found myself experiencing what is medically termed as 'spotting' (very minor bleeding).
The worst and the scariest part (also the funniest part, as I recount it now) was that the doctor at our local Klinik Kesihatan told me she could not detect the fetus nor the amniotic sac from the ultrasound scan. She advised us to quickly go to the nearest gynae, not quite hiding her concern. I couldn't remember how I slept that night, or if I slept at all.
I remember it being the monsoon season in Kerteh at that time and the roads leading to the nearest big town, Kuantan, was flooded and therefore, inaccessible. The next morning, we had to drive the opposite direction and head to KT instead. Fear of miscarriage (and all sorts of pregnancy complications that I have read about) clouded my mind as we drove slowly in the rain and rising water to the Specialist Centre.
My mind was a battlefield - the fear of what might happen was waging a war against all the promises of my God.
At the gynae's clinic, lying on the examination bed, listening to the sounds coming from the ultrasound machine, I remember holding my breath while watching the gynae's face, looking for a frown (or a smile).
'You hear the baby's heartbeat?'
When I heard these words, tears broke free from my eyes, streaming down my cheeks.
From 'I couldn't locate the fetus' to 'that's the baby's heartbeat you're hearing and it's healthy' within 24 hours, what a roller coaster!
At the time, I remember thinking to myself - child-bearing really is a challenging experience for women. Before getting pregnant, there is the fear of infertility. After getting pregnant, there is fear of miscarriage, then there is fear of delivery. And then, there is fear of baby's health. It really look like so many things could go wrong.
Although I had prayed and declared scriptures over myself and my baby even before conceiving, that episode revealed to me that, deep down, I was still, subconsciously, gripped with fear. Fear of all the 'possible worst that can happen'.
I had allowed the things I read and heard, from books, from others, from TV shows, to creep in. And just as water seeped in through cracks and holes, fear creeped in through these knowledge I had of what could go wrong.
I'm not saying that one shouldn't be equipped with knowledge, please don't misunderstand me. I'm saying - do not let your knowledge of any subject matter overshadow your knowledge of God's Word.
What God says trumps what every other person/ every book/ every media says.
Anyway, despite the initial miscarriage scare, I had a rather pleasant pregnancy after that - no morning sickness, no extreme tiredness or any adverse effects. I even had a dream during my second trimester of my son who is almost turning two (in my dream at the time) walking towards me.
And so, I had a great first and second trimester, completely oblivious of the whirlwind my husband and I would find ourselves in towards the end of my pregnancy.
'The Baby is Not Growing'
At my 35th week check-up, my gynae told us that our baby did not grow much for the past two weeks.
You know how babies are supposed to grow exponentially in the last trimester? My son didn't.
I was told to eat as much as I wanted, as nutritious as I could and rest as much as I could and to return after a week.
At week 36, my gynae showed us a flat growth curve on the screen. 'The baby is not growing', he announced.
And advised us to deliver the baby earlier, in three days' time. According to his medical opinion, baby hadn't been growing well in the womb since week 33. It was best to bring baby out, even if slightly premature.
To say that we were lost and confused was an understatement.
What I had was a case of Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR), which is quite rare. To this day, we still do not know what caused my IUGR. But I can still vividly recall the silent guilt I felt, that all this happened because of me - because of what I did or what I didn't do.
Deep down, I wondered if I had prayed more or prayed correctly, then maybe this wouldn't happen.
Although we did go for a second opinion, who told us that our baby falls within the normal size range and advised against delivering the baby earlier, after much prayer, with our family and church praying alongside us, we decided to deliver our son earlier.
So, at week 37, I delivered my baby boy via caesarean. (Because we didn't want to put the baby through further distress via natural delivery.)
'I Don't Know, We'll Have to See'
To this day, I still remember the gynae bringing my baby boy for me to see while I was still on the delivery table. Small, slightly bluish...and quiet.
Movies, dramas and books have taught me to listen for the sign of a healthy baby - loud cry.
I did not hear any cry.
Instead, I heard my own cry and my prayer.
(All the while, the gynae and the nurses worked quietly, stitching me up.)
I remember waiting a long while in the recovery room. I remember asking my gynae how is my baby. (Though strangely, I couldn't recall what or how he answered me.) I remember calling the name of Jesus over and over for my baby.
Later, my husband would tell me that he waited so long outside the OT and being torn between waiting for me or following the pediatrician to the nursery.
He also told me that when he asked the pediatrician if our baby would live, the pediatrician's answer was this - I don't know, we'll have to see.
Now, before you fear the worst, I want to reassure you that my God stories are all testimonies of God's goodness.
And in this God story, God again showed me his goodness and faithfulness - my Daniel did live and is turning seven this year.
(Although Daniel's story doesn't just end here, being alive and well despite the doctor's grim report. There is even more, which I will write in my next post.)
What They Said vs What My God Said
Like I said earlier, it was a whirlwind of a child-bearing God story.
I have heard so many negative medical statements during this pregnancy - 'there is risk of miscarriage', 'I couldn't locate the fetus', 'the baby is not growing'.
And the last thing anyone would ever want to hear when they asked if their baby will live - 'I don't know '.
Yes, what the doctors said were medically sound. But I also had God's Words on the exact opposite side of these medical statements.
These promises of God sustained my husband and I through the toughest and, possibly, the darkest moments of our lives.
Seven years have passed since then. And today, I get to share my God story with you, testifying of how I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Thank you for taking the time to read my really long story 😅. I pray that it will encourage you or comfort you in whatever situations you may find yourselves facing today.
1) It is OK to know what the experts say. But it is even more important to know what God says (or has said) for your situation.
2) When doubt/ fear/ guilt or any other emotion that is not of God crept in, remember that what God says trumps what everything else/ everyone else says.
3) Overcome any emotion that is not of God with God's promises, God's goodness, God's strength. Triumph in and with God.
4) Yes, going through all that was not pleasant (it was painful), but I now get to testify of God's comfort and goodness to me - indeed it is as the Psalm said, I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord.
