My God Story: Part 6.1 - Night to Day

Note: If you have been following my God Story, I'm sorry that the following few entries will not be a continuation from where I last left off in Part 5, the stories of my son. 

Although I still have much to write about on my Kerteh days, I will be writing about the season where my family and I moved out of Kerteh to my husband's hometown, Kota Kinabalu, KK instead. (So, I am skipping forward in my God Story as prompted by the Holy Spirit, instead of following a chronological order as I had originally planned to.)

After being in Kerteh for seven years myself (eleven years for my husband), the time finally came for my husband to be transferred. And so our family (now a family of four 😄) moved to KK. 

Although, in many aspects, KK should have been the promised land as compared to Kerteh, I found myself entering a season of depression. 

One would question why. After all, after seven long years of being in a small and isolated  town and being far away from family, surely KK is much better. 😂 And if God has finally called us back to KK, then surely there is something He has in store for us, right? 

That was what I had thought. What we had all thought. 

That everything will be better, as compared to Kerteh - my in laws are in KK, KK is a bustling city, better facilities, better education prospect for the children, abundance of good food etc.  

Only to find ourselves entering a season of cloudy darkness. I was affected the most, which, of course, in turn affects the whole family. 😅 

I won't delve into the 'what, who, when, where and how' of the things that happened. Rather, I would like to focus on my God story - on how my deliverance started and was accomplished. 

Having said that, though, today, I would like to take time to share about what that period of time did to me. 

(It was an ugly season of my life - please read with love and not judge me on what you're about to read. 😂)

During that season, I guess I can say that I went into depression. 

At first, I attributed my feelings and struggle to the daily chores and grind of  being a 'mother of young children'. And various other factors - what people said, what people did, what I didn't have etc.  

All the negative emotions that you can name of - sad, dissatisfied, empty, exhausted, drained, angry, offended, criticized, victimized, unappreciated, trapped - were my constant companions. 

I took offense at the smallest thing. People's words and deeds hurt me easily. Every well-meaning advice was interpreted as criticism. 

I blame a lot. Everyone else and everything is the trigger and cause for my suffering. 

I was anxious. Constantly feeling that nothing is going as planned. Or as I had wanted it to be. 

I cried often, especially when alone, feeling sorry for myself. (In my mind, I had a constant pity party for myself, for what I was going through and what I had to go through.)

I sometimes cried even in the presence of my children. 

I felt alone and lonely. As we were new in town, I didn't have any friend yet. And I agonized over the fact that there was no one with whom I can talk to. Although, in reality, there were many loving sisters in the church that we were attending at that time and I have sisters and friends whom I can call or text. The truth is, I had chosen to lock myself in and kept everyone out. 

I had thought of running away from home, even if it's just one night away from the family. And there was a constant urge to escape. 

I felt lost. Life felt purposeless and meaningless. I was just getting through life and its routine and demands, day after day. 

My focus was often on the worldly things. Mind you, these were not necessarily evil things - my children, my husband, my work, finances, trying to measure up to the expectations of others. 

I lost a lot of weight.

I fell sick often. 

And I need to point out that my daughter, Esther, who was a year old at that time, fell sick often as well. Visiting the doctor was a monthly routine. And it's for the same thing each time - flu. Not surprisingly yet 'miraculously', ever since I broke out of my depressed season, Esther never fell sick anymore.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that when I was in that defeated state, I wasn't the only one who was affected. 

My family was affected. My marriage suffered. My children suffered. All my relationships suffered. 

AND above all that, I was angry.  

Angry at my husband.

Angry at my children.

Angry at my family members. 

Angry at God. 

Updated 26/08: 

I've missed out one critical, deadly experience: condemnation. To be exact, self-condemnation. 

I had this accusing voice trying to shoot me down with questions like: "What are you complaining about? There are no grave situations in your life. You are already so blessed, compared to so many others, yet you've been so ungrateful. Stop looking to yourself. You should be giving thanks and doing more for God." 

I would say that this was the worst of all emotions. 

Oh, that was such an ugly season of my life. And it was painful to recall all that had happened. 

And to be honest, now that I've recounted all my experiences and emotions during that season of my life, I find myself hesitating whether to blog about it or to keep it a secret forever. 😩 It was such a dark, ugly and unpleasant season, after all. 

But in the end, I decided that I shall be honest and vulnerable. 

What is there to be ashamed about anyway? All that matters is that, because of God's goodness, I have come out of that dark season. 

If I can use an illustration to show you the stark contrast between Irene then and Irene now, it would be like this picture of dark night and bright day. 

Source: Internet

I know there will be others who might have gone through or are still struggling through similar (or maybe even worse) situation. 

But beloved in Christ, take heart. 

My God story is my testimony. I am a first hand witness. It is my personal and solid proof of not only God's love, grace and goodness towards His lost child, but also of His power and ability to draw that lost child out from the deepest pit of despair into His loving and glorious embrace. 

Yes, doubtless, the night is dark, lonely and long. But all it takes is only one moment with God and one moment for God to turn that night into bright sunny day. I am living proof. 

So I pray that if you are (or know of anyone who is struggling through a season of despair), my story will encourage you and remind you of God's character - Abba Father, loving, longsuffering, victorious, almighty. 

p/s: If you want to know how God turned my dark, depressed night into bright, joy-filled, glorious day, make sure you stay tuned to Part 6.2.