My Kuching God Story: Part 2 - From A Cup to A Restored Rubber Band

I wrote of my cup story previously. 

I shared about how, in my relationship with my mum, I used to be a filled, drained and emptied cup, over and over again. And the toil it had taken on me. 

Without me realising it, I grew bitter, taking offence at my mum's responses, words, intentions. 

At the beginning of this year, I found myself struggling more and more. Even when I came before God (to be filled) in prayer before every conversation, instead of being conscious of God's presence and anointing upon me, I felt (and focused) on the weight of the issue at hand. 

(Well, fixing our eyes on the problem in prayer is never a wise thing to do. I'm sure you have heard of the saying - 'Don't tell God how big your problem is. Tell your problem how big your God is.')

Needless to say, instead of being filled, I started every conversation with my mum, already feeling weighed down. And, unfortunately, a half full cup only gets drained empty at twice the speed. 😔

It came to a point where tension was so high that my stretched thin rubber band snapped. That day was 30 April 2022. 

I shouted at my mum and she hung up (slamming down the phone would be the accurate depiction here). Again, I am not proud of things I did, the words I said, the tone I used and the bitter unforgiveness I harboured. 

But I was so blinded by my hurt and pain and the needs that wasn't met by my mum, that all I could feel was a self-justified sense of anger. (Yes, you read that right. Even at my age, even when I'm now already a mum of two, even after knowing my identity in Christ, sadly, I was still looking to my mum to meet certain need. 😂)

God-incidentally (no coincidence for sure), I am currently on a discipleship journey with my church (Kingdomcity) called Greenhouse. It's what we call 'doing Greenhouse (GH)'. 

And the Holy Spirit has been constantly working in me, through my GH journey, to reveal areas of darkness and blinded-ness in me. 

Now, the most ironic thing was this - I had wanted to hold onto my bitterness. All that I learned in GH, well, I sort of tuned them off. My flesh told my mind I had every right to feel hurt and to be angry. 

But of course, the Holy Spirit thought otherwise. 

He relentlessly sought after me. He pursued me. He pursued my forgiveness. 

Yes, the Holy Spirit did not just pursue me to comfort me and heal me from my hurt. What He wanted, above all else, was for my heart to forgive, to reconcile and be whole again. 

The few days before my rubber band snapped, I literally felt what the Psalmist said in Psalm 139:7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 

It was like God was using a loudspeaker to broadcast one word to me: Love and forgive (OK, 3 words to be exact). One of our GH class that week, God-incidentally, was on the 'test of being offended'. 

Not only that, I found myself waking up at 2 in the morning every single night that week. I instinctively knew what God wants - for me to rise up and pray and listen to Him. But I hardened my heart and went back to sleep (but I tell you, those were nights of restless sleep). 

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't want to forgive. I did. And I knew I need to forgive.

I read the verses that taught on forgiveness. I prayed to forgive. I prayed for my mum. In short, I tried. 

And I could discern all the spiritual realities that was operating behind all our exchanges. That my mum loves me (very very very much). That she would had never wanted to hurt my feelings. 

This my spirit man (who, by the way, is extremely wise) knows very well. 😉

But a little part of me (my flesh) believed this lie that my emotion was telling me: It is so painful. You have been hurt by the one whom you trust and love so much, the one who should have given you love and security. It is so hard to forgive. It is almost impossible to forgive. You are not capable to forgive. 

There was a battle field inside of me. And my rubber band continued stretching. 

Source: Internet

And then it snapped on 30 April. It was a Saturday. 

That night, I woke up at 2 again. This time, I picked myself up out of bed and talked to God. I said 'talked to God' because I wouldn't exactly call that a prayer. 😅

I just told God how I felt - all my hurt, all my pain, how I'm finding it hard to feel love for my mum, let alone forgive her. And then, I said this:' God, I cannot do this. You have to help me.' It was the shortest, most emotionless and plain and one-way conversation I ever had with God. 

I didn't even end it with 'In Jesus name, amen'. Nor did I wait to hear what God wanted to say to me. 😔

The next day, which was a Sunday, our pastor, Ps Mark Varughese, preached this sermon on Dealing with Offence. At the end of his preaching, he literally made everyone be a 'doer of the word'. We were all asked, on the spot, to practise what he had just preached. 

So, there I stood, right at my seat, with no way to escape the Holy Spirit now. 😂

I heard the Holy Spirit telling me, 'Irene, you told Me you need My help. This is Me helping you to forgive and release.'

I cried my eyes out that morning. (I don't know what the person on my left thought of but I didn't care.) 

I cried and prayed and released and forgave. 

And at the end of it, my spirit man knew that my rubber band has been restored fully. 

What had previously felt so hard, what was previously almost impossible, now achieved, accomplished, completed so perfectly and completely in an instant. 

Afterwards, the Holy Spirit showed me three truths which I already know so well (yet still, sadly, tend to forget from time to time). 

1) When I come to the end of myself, that is when God can work in me. 

When I came to the end of myself that morning, in my emotionless, one-way conversation with God, I was surrendering it all to God - my hurt, my inability to forgive and my need to forgive. 

When I stopped striving and trying on my self-effort and self-strength, when I give it to God and He takes over, everything falls into place and come to pass, easily and quickly. 

2) The Holy Spirit is the One Who is the wisest, most creative and most effective. 

Yes, there is absolutely no debate over this truth. No one can convince me otherwise. 

There is no one like the Holy Spirit - He knows what to do, when to do it and how to do it. And His ways are the most effective every single time!  

When He put me on spotlight that Sunday in church, there was no escaping Him and no tuning Him out. And He knew that was what I needed. A release in private (inward surrender and obedience) and in public (outward confession and submission), both at the same time. 

3) The Holy Spirit pursues my Christlikeness above all things. 

No matter how much I try to run away or hide or ignore, He doesn't relent. 

At times, I'd say that He pursue my wholeness and my Christlikeness even more than myself 😂. 

His desire for us is that we live in all His fullness in all areas of our lives. He is not complacent, He doesn't compromise. 

Beloved in Christ, is there any area in your life that is, maybe, like an out-of-shape rubber band? Losing its elasticity and therefore, its original intent and function. 

Stop striving. Let go and let God.  

Knowing that nothing we ever do (even the best of our best) can compare or compete with His way. His way is the most effective and often times, the most effortless one. 

All we need to do is to YAOP (Yield, Allow, Obey and Partner) with the Holy Spirit. 

Beloved in Christ, is your rubber band stretched thin? Or has even snapped? Give it to the Lord and watch Him restore your rubber band whole.