My God Story: Part 1 - Pre-Salvation to Salvation

If you haven't read my previous post on how I went through seasons of being lost (before being a Christian) and then my subsequent seasons of being found and yet still feeling lost (a lost Christian, sad but true), you can read it here. 

And this is me journaling my story, or rather my journey with God. 

To say that I grew up in a malfunctioning family would not be an understatement. My parents were not exactly in good terms throughout the later years of their marriage, my teenage years. I watched them quarrel intensely, throwing things and slamming doors. I watched them giving each other silent treatment. I watched them progressively avoiding each other whilst living under the same roof. 

And I'm sure everyone knows how typical Chinese parents can be, especially fathers. Although I wouldn't say my dad is the most distant and "no hug" type of father, he was after all a typical Asian father. The fact that both my parents were very protective and controlling over me didn't help either. 

To tell the truth about my family would be like opening a can of worms. Therefore, I never uttered a word about my family to anyone ever. And since I am an only child, I did not have anyone to share my feelings and thoughts with. Neither did I have anyone to shoulder the distress with. 

Logic tells me I definitely need help and healing. Nobody grows up this way without suffering any side effect. It is only a matter of whether you are aware of the effects or not. 

After SPM, I secured a scholarship and left home for University with a desperation in my heart for freedom. I was like a bird escaping prison. I excelled in my studies and I pride myself in that. I was no longer under the controlling net of my parents. I no longer had to witness and endure the strife at home. And I was free to do whatever I wanted. I even dated (although of course, that was against my parents' direct instructions). 

But with all the freedom and happiness I was having in Uni, I know something is still amiss. I was still lost. 

Looking back at that season of my life, I can see God answering that longing and emptiness in me, even before I accepted Him. 

God placed good Christian friends around me. (My roommate was a Christian!) Yet I only accepted Christ in my last year of Uni. Curious to know why? 

I feel shameful to admit this but truth is, despite my "soul searching" seeking who I am and who God is, I was a hard core Christian skeptic. There, I said it! 

I couldn't understand (at that time) why those Christian friends of mine are such fanatics, inviting me to church/ Christmas parties and wanting to "convert" me. And I would decline all invitations. Back then, I even ridiculed the radical belief that only Christians can enter heaven. 

It was my then boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) who led me to the Lord. He had been telling me about Jesus and one day, he just asked me if I would like to open my heart to this Jesus. There wasn't any dramatic altar call or any powerful preaching or worship. Just a sense of love and lightness (like a weight was literally lifted from my heart) as I uttered the prayer. At that time, I still hadn't completely opened myself up to him and although he knew that my parents were not on good terms, he had no idea the depth of the dark waters. He probably was clueless on what salvation would mean to me. 

Source: Internet

So just like that, I said the sinner's prayer and became a Christian. 

I had thought that everything will change now, for the better, since I now have a God to pray to. Jesus loves me and will answer my prayers right? So I was confused to learn that my parents had separated, almost at the same time that I got saved. But I was still filled with faith nonetheless. That's one of the key traits of a new Christian, isn't it? Haha! 

Though filled with faith, sadly, my foundation in the Lord wasn't strong. Upon graduation, I found myself entering a long, harsh and dry season of wilderness as I disobeyed God's call to go to Kerteh. 

I don't know how but I knew in my heart that I was to go to Kerteh, a small fishing village town in Terengganu. I also knew that I don't want to go there for so many earthly reasons. It is far, it is in the middle of nowhere, it is a Muslim area, I may be the only Chinese there. How to find husband there? A Christian husband at that. (I had already broken off with my then boyfriend.) You may laugh, but that was one of my greatest concerns. 

I prayed specifically against going to Kerteh. My prayer went like this "Lord, send me to anywhere but Kerteh, Lord". Word for word. 

And when the letter came, I willfully disobeyed. I guess at that time, I didn't quite have a good understanding on what "the will of God" is. So, I rejected the offer and stayed back in my hometown, Kuching. 

And so, I entered 6 years of wandering in the wilderness, as did the Israelites after they came out from Egypt. 

Kerteh was to be my land with milk and honey, God's promised land for me. Yet I was like one of the 10 spies sent out to spy the promised land. I saw in my earthly eyes the nowhere-ness, the smallness, the no-Christian-Chinese-ness of the town of Kerteh. I saw the need to stay in Kuching (specifically to be with my mum). So, I thought I knew what is better for myself and chose to stay in the wilderness. Well, we all know how the wilderness journey was for the Israelites. It was the same for me. I found God but I was still lost, in a sense. 

I shall stop my Part 1 story here. 

What is your salvation story? Were you lost before knowing and coming to Christ? Are you still lost even though you are a child of God? 

You see these are what I learned from my salvation story.

1. Even the hardest of heart can be touched by God. I'm a good example. 
2. I now understand why Christians are so eager to share the good news to non-believers. Because we want them to have what we have too. 
3. Conversion (salvation, accepting Christ - whatever you call it) does not equate transformation. Sad to say, I've spent many years not knowing what it means to be a child of God. Not knowing my identity in Christ and therefore, not experiencing the fullness of what I have in Him.
4. Your salvation story and mine hasn't ended yet. Our salvation signifies more than just the sinner's prayer and getting to go to Heaven. The in between story that is happening now is equally important.  

And most importantly, my salvation story is like the children song, "Life without Jesus is like a donut, there's a hole in the middle of your heart". Even after escaping negativity and possessing positivity, there was still an emptiness in my heart. 

Only God can satisfy us. Only in Christ are we complete. 

As I write about my God story, I pray that you will have a good laugh (and good time) reading my stories. And at the same time, may it unveil certain truths to encourage and edify you. 

Interested to hear about my wilderness days? Look out for my next post.