My God Story: Part 5.1 - In Nineveh (I Would Have Lost Heart Unless...)
I wrote about my pregnancy adventure with Daniel - the miscarriage scare, the complication and the negative medical report - in my previous post here.
You'd remember what the pediatrician said about my son at birth - he didn't know if my son will live.
I wouldn't lie. I was devastated but I held onto this promise of God and declared it over my baby. Psalm 118:17 Daniel shall not die, but live, and he shall declare the works of the Lord.
 |
| Source: Internet |
Baby Daniel was in the hospital nursery for 10 long days. Although he was not in an incubator, he was placed under an oxygen box with tubes and wires attached to him for monitoring purpose. As he couldn't leave the nursery and I was not allowed to leave my bed after the surgery, I didn't get to see him again nor hold him until the next day. That was a long night for me.
Meeting My Daniel
There is a funny story about how I first met my baby boy.
I was supposed to be wheeled to the nursery only the following night, allowing my body more time to recover. But the next morning after my caesarean, a small ignition broke out in one of the maternity ward rooms in my floor. And we all had to evacuate!
While assembling at the car park, I asked the nurse about my baby. Thankfully, there was only one baby, my Daniel, at the nursery at the time. So, they brought Daniel in his oxygen box to another ward in another floor and all the nursery nurses were looking after him.
After the fire alarm was cleared and all was safe, I asked if I could be wheeled to see my son, since I was already in my wheelchair anyway. And so, I 'met' my son for the first time officially, under a most unusual circumstance.
The First Few Days of Life
As I said, Daniel was in the nursery for 10 days. I myself was discharged from the hospital after two days. Do remember that I delivered my baby in Kuantan, which is about 1.5 hours drive away from Kerteh. It was impractical for my husband and I to go back home and then go visit Daniel on daily basis.
Thankfully, for the entire duration while Daniel was in nursery, we were so blessed by a loving beloved sister, sister Alice, who let us stay at her house. Not only did she love us with her prayer support, she saw and met our need at the time.
Proof that God blesses and provides for us through people He place in our life.
I've mentioned in my previous post how Daniel was small, slightly bluish and quiet at birth. Needless to say, baby Daniel was underweight due to the IUGR. But on top of the size, there was also another medical concern.
A word I heard a lot in the early few days of Daniel's life was 'floppy', which means hanging loosely. It describes the baby's limbs hanging loosely downward at the sides. Daniel was a floppy baby, as the doctor described to us.
Floppy babies do not have much muscle strength, thus, the limp limbs.
At the time, he was also unable to suckle and drink milk (his cheek muscles wasn't strong enough). He had to be tube-fed. So, the first criteria to discharge Daniel, according to the doctor, was to ensure that he was able to use milk bottle and drink. And then, thrive and grow.
It was disheartening to learn that although we have decided to deliver Daniel earlier because he wasn't able to grow well while in my womb, he was still unable to feed and thrive and grow after we brought him out.
But gradually, I learned how to feed Daniel and Daniel learned how to take in his milk. The tube was removed. The wires came off. And finally, after 10 days, Daniel was ready to head home.
The Beginning of Daniel's Story
In the early days of Daniel's life, I held on to God's promise - that Daniel would not die, but live to declare of His works.
Daniel did live but there was another negative report coming our way.
In the first few months, we had to return to our pediatrician on weekly basis for check-up.
Slowly, Daniel did gain weight and grow stronger. But he was still weaker than normal babies and did not meet milestones. When Daniel turned three months old, our pediatrician expressed his concern - Daniel's condition wasn't just because of the IUGR and being premature.
He referred us to a pediatrics geneticist for further tests. (Yes, a geneticist, someone who studies genetics.) Our pediatrician feared that Daniel has a genetic condition.
To this day, I remember another of his negative report that day - 'He may never be able to walk. If he does walk, he may not be able to run.'
A few weeks later, we head to the geneticist in KL, embracing ourselves for the worst.
The Diagnosis
'It looks like Prader-Willi syndrome', said the geneticist.
A week later, the genetic test result confirmed her clinical diagnosis.
Prader-Willi Syndrome.
Have you heard of this name before? I had never heard of it until that day in the geneticist's clinic. It is defined as a genetic disorder caused by loss of function of a specific genes in the chromosome. It is random and not necessarily hereditary. And since it is a genetic disorder, it is irreversible. And there is still no cure or treatment for it, to-date.
What does that mean for my son?
In the first few months after getting the diagnosis, I focused on learning about the genetic condition, determined to know all that there is to know about it.
Only to be overwhelmed by all the medical knowledge that surrounds this condition called Prader-Willi Syndrome.
I won't delve on it here, now. But suffice to say, the outlook was grim.
I had wanted to be prepared for what lies ahead, to give my son a better future. Instead, I found myself crumpling under the weight of all that I have learned.
Why?
And try as I might, I couldn't shake off this word - Why?
Have you ever had something happen to you and you want to ask God, why?
Why did it happen? Why did it happen to me?
For a long time, I struggled silently with a gnawing question - Why did it happen to Daniel? Since it is a genetic disorder, did my sin cause it? Did an ancestral sin cause it?
I asked God openly and repeatedly, 'Lord, I'm not questioning You. I know nothing changes the fact that You are my God and that You are a good God. But I want to know why. I need to know why. Why did this happen to Daniel? Is it because of my sin? Is it because there was a lesson for me to learn? Is it...?'
Refiner's Fire
For months, or maybe I should say for the first few years, I studied the scriptures subconsciously trying to find the reason. I studied scriptures that spoke about trials, tribulations, persecutions, patience, perseverance.
For a time, all I could testify of was how every trial is like the refiner's fire. I even used the illustration of a goldsmith refining gold to describe how God refines His people through trials.
This was what I had believed - that the goldsmith purifies the gold by holding it in the fire until he sees his image reflected in the gold.
Now imagine God as the goldsmith. We are the gold. And the trials that we go through is the fire. Just as the gold is subjected to fire, the trials that we go through are unpleasant. Just as the purifying of gold takes time, we need to be patient in the midst of our trials.
And when the gold is finally purified, the goldsmith can see his reflection in the pure gold. Similarly, we are refined when God can see His image reflected in us.
For a time, I believed that I was going through a trial whereby I was being refined.
I believed that God was going to work all things for good. That He would heal Daniel miraculously for His glory. But in the mean time, I needed to be refined.
I told myself, 'don't lose heart, believe that you will see the goodness of the Lord.'
Lifting Up Veils Over My Eyes
All that may have its place and truth in it - that we are being refined when going through trials.
But since then, the Holy Spirit has opened up my spiritual eyes to the salvation that Jesus came to give. The salvation that He has already given to us. The salvation that I have in Him.
A complete, completed (finished), all encompassing, blessed and victorious salvation.
Not one where I would need to constantly bear up under trials.
Not one where I am a piece of impure gold, still in the process of being purified and refined.
Not one where I am still struggling in life, tossed to and fro by life's circumstances, praying for deliverance to come through.
And not just one where I am saved from hell to go to Heaven while living life on earth defeated.
The Holy Spirit has also since then brought godly men and women into my life to teach me about my authority and power in Christ. My authority and power to command (while giving thanks) healing and wholeness, along with everything that is promised in the Word of God.
I no longer need to pray in earnest desire and hope and patience, persevering in my faith, beseeching God to answer my prayers for Daniel.
I Would Have Lost Heart
 |
| Source: Internet |
And just like that, I found myself no longer striving to know why, trying to decipher what God is trying to teach me.
(Of course, I'm not saying that I have the answer to the question 'why it happened'. Or that I'm not curious. It's just that it no longer troubles me.)
Now as I looked back to those days and the promises of God that had sustained me, I suddenly see Psalm 27:13 in a new light.
The Psalmist said, 'I would have lost heart'. Which means he did not lose heart.
He said, 'unless I had believed'. Which means he did believe.
He said, 'that I would see'. Which means he did see. Or rather, he has already seen.
Seen what? The goodness of the Lord.
Where? In the land of the living. Which means while we are alive here on earth.
Putting this in the English grammar sense, this is not something in the future (hoping it will happen) tense. This is the present perfect continuous tense. Something that started in the past and is still continuing in the present.
So, beloved in Christ, when I tell you this day, I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, I am testifying to you - I have looked beyond 'why'. I did not lose heart, I had believed. And I see the goodness of the Lord, daily, while I am alive now in this land of the living.
