Man-ager? Man-ipulator? Or Man-in-Christ?

I found myself repeating this statement a lot lately.  

I did all that I knew to do, to the best that I could do, yet it had availed to nothing. Because it had all come from my self-effort (Self-will, self-strength, self-ability, self-dependence.) Once I stopped the 'doing' (or, rather, the trying) and simply just yield to God, this happened: The grace of God came upon me, an ordinary man, and turn my live around! 

Well, maybe not the same sentence or exact same words, but this expression has been a constant reflection in my life lately - in almost every area of my life. 

As I was writing about my son earlier this year (you may read it here and here), I saw myself from a different perspective (maybe one can say that I saw myself from the Holy Spirit's perspective 😂). 

Back then, I was a manager. You know, manage-r. I was managing life the best way that I know how to. Quoting myself from my earlier blog entry, this was how I described myself. 

Instead of living in a position of victory in Christ, each day I would be just getting by, managing and maneuvering the challenges of PWS as it comes. 

That was truly who I was - a manage-r of life and all of life's situations. 

As I wrote this back then, I heard the Holy Spirit asked me: Irene, are you still a manager? Or are you now (finally) Irene in Christ, a man in Christ? 

I wish I can proudly conclude that all my managing and maneuvering happened only during my pre-transformation days. But alas, that is not the case. 

I wrote about my struggle with forgiveness in my earlier post about forgiving, forgoing and forgetting. I described how I had been unknowingly trying to forgive on my own effort and how hard (not to mention impossible) that was. 

There are many other areas of my life where I have learned, firsthand and through the hard way, that self sufficiency is always (every single time) difficult, exhausting and amounts to little. And 1 good example is in my marriage. 

There was a time when our marriage wasn't in the best of what and how it should be. I mean, if God ordained man and wife to be joined together in a marriage covenant, surely it is a good thing for mankind. 

When God said that “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Gen 2:18) and that "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.", I'm convinced that God has originally and always intended for marriage to be a most wonderful thing for married couples. 

(Do note the original Hebrew translated as 'helper comparable' is ezer, which means help, succour. And the word translated 'joined' is dabaq, which means to cling, stick, stay close, cleave. Now that should give us an idea of God's blueprint for our marriage relationship.) 

So, for a time, I had felt that my marriage has fallen short of God's perfect intent. 

And to 'overcome' this, I did all that I knew to do. 

I played the 'good wife' role. You know what Proverbs 18:22 says about 'He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.' I tried my best to live up to that, not to mention Proverbs 31 too! 

I prayed (very, very hard, I might add 😅). 

I laid hands and anointed - my husband's mind, his eyes, his ears, his mouth, his hands and his feet - both physically when he was asleep and symbolically. (I'm sure all us wives have heard about this laying on of hands prayer. 😂) 

I diligently read Christian books and articles about marriage, wife, home (Such as this bible study notes that had benefited me much.) 

I did what the Bible instructs of a wife, to the best of my ability. 

Yes, you guess right. I did what the Bible tell wives to do - 'submit to your husband.' 

Only to realize that what I had thought to be submission was only manipulation. I was trying to 'manipulate and manage' by being 'submissive'. 

You see, even as I was obeying the Word and acting on it, the 'doing' was in my own self effort. 

All that I had thought to be 'obedience to Scripture' and 'following good, biblical advice' were simply a means to manage, to manipulate and perhaps, even to change my husband. 

Again, like I said, I did all that I knew to do to the best of my ability, with nothing to show for it. And boy, was it tiring! 

On the last day of 2020, I was so weary in my entire being (body, soul and spirit - do you know that kind of tired-ness?). I asked God: why are things so hard? 

And I heard the answer crystal clear: Irene, if you feel that the burden is heavy, then you have not been carrying My burden. My yoke is easy and My burden is light. 

Immediately, I knew what God was referring to. And I knew what was that burden that God had wanted me to lay off. 

I wouldn't go into the details but, suffice to say, although I heard God crystal clear, I struggled, debating in my heart that maybe that was just my flesh talking to me, and not the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, we complicate things for ourselves, don't we? 😆

Long story short, within the same week, in spite of the initial struggle, I sought some godly counsel and counter (maybe triple 🙈) confirmed it with the Holy Spirit.

And I decided to obey: To take His yoke upon myself. 

I laid off the burden that God asked me to shed off. I stopped all my laboring. And simply rest.  

I think the best way to describe it would be: I finally live out what Jesus said to the heavy laden: 

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

No more trying to work it out or measuring up or manipulating, even if it's doing what the Bible teaches. 

I simply went to the Lord. I took His yoke, which is easy. I took on His burden, which is light. He then gives me rest. And so, I just rest in Him.  

That was in the beginning of this year. 10 months on and I'm now here to give a praise report. 

My marriage is flourishing! My husband and I are even more in love than when we first got married. 

This is how we feel: 10 years ago, when we first got married, we love each other with a newly wed love. Now, we love each other with a deep knowledge of and great appreciation for one another. 

Beloved in Christ, especially so for my sisters in Christ who are also wives, 

This is my God story. 

I did all that I knew to do, to the best that I could do, yet it had availed to nothing. Because it had all come from my self-effort (Self-will, self-strength, self-ability, self-dependence.) Once I stopped the 'doing' (the trying, the laboring) and simply just yield to God and rest in Him, this happened: The grace of God came upon my husband and I and turn our lives around! 

Dear ones, 

I am not belittling our heart and our act to pray, anoint and bless our husband. 

I am also not trying to contradict what the Scripture taught about the virtuous wife and the rightful order in a godly household. 

I think do all of this in faith still. Do it in obedience to the Word too. But do it with a right heart before God and in God.

What I had realized now is that, when I was doing all the things I did (laying hands, submitting etc.), my heart was not right. I had wanted to change my husband. I was merely using the Word as a tool to get what I want. 😔

I prayed to change my husband the way I wanted him to be. 

I submitted to try to manipulate him to be the way I wanted him to be. 

I managed every situation that came my way, to the best of my own ability, to achieve what I thought was the best for my family.

Source: Internet

And so, I find myself asking this question again - Am I still a man-ager? Or maybe a man-ipulator? When I should be a man-in-Christ. 

No longer I who live but truly it is Christ, who lives in me, who live.